


all i want

by klari19



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotions, Experimental writing, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-15
Updated: 2017-08-15
Packaged: 2018-12-15 13:17:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11806758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/klari19/pseuds/klari19
Summary: The separation had been difficult. Months filled with an off feeling had finally lead to a break--Akaashi needed space to figure some things out by himself, things Tetsurou wished he could have understood but which Akaashi couldn’t explain. Tetsurou had felt the world shatter around him at the revelation, but he’d been willing to give Akaashi whatever he desired, no matter how much it devastated him, no matter how much it felt like he was being split open from the inside out.





	all i want

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Claudiaaa](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Claudiaaa/gifts), [afterhoursfiction](https://archiveofourown.org/users/afterhoursfiction/gifts), [gengarchan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gengarchan/gifts).



> this is something i decided to write on a whim. the idea suddenly appeared to me and i had to get it out it, even though it's definitely not something i'm comfortable with. it's curiously my 100th official work in the ao3 (i wish i could forget about my first ones though......), and also the first thing i've managed to finish in months.
> 
> i want to thank [Claudia](https://bokuakakuroken.tumblr.com), [Seth](http://kuroaka-hell.tumblr.com/), [Allie](https://haikyuumon.tumblr.com/), and [Ro](http://poisonkindness.tumblr.com/) for reading this when it was absolute crap and giving me great suggestions to improve it. really, it's thanks to them that this is what it is now.
> 
> dedicated with much love to Seth, Claudia, and Gengar who, like me, are always looking for new content of our beloved rarepair.

> **From: Keiji | 9.37pm  
>  ** There’s still a box with clothes of yours here.

Tetsurou read the message over and over, trying to pick up something else from it, something other than the “I need you to come and get this away from me as soon as possible” that was written between the lines. But the message was crystal clear.

And it made Tetsurou’s heart ache. 

_ This is it _ , he thought, trembling fingers raking through his already messy bedhead. He pressed the heels of his palms into his eye sockets, uselessly trying to push back tears that were already streaming down his cheeks.  _ It’s definitely going to be over now _ .

The separation had been difficult. Months filled with an off feeling had finally lead to a break--Akaashi needed space to figure some things out by himself, things Tetsurou wished he could have understood but which Akaashi couldn’t explain. Tetsurou had felt the world shatter around him at the revelation, but he’d been willing to give Akaashi whatever he desired, no matter how much it devastated him, no matter how much it felt like he was being split open from the inside out. 

It had been about a year since that’d happened, but the wound sure hadn't healed yet. 

Wishful thinking was what had driven Tetsurou to leave the box. He thought, maybe if they got back together in a few months, or in a few years, having the box at Akaashi’s would mean going back to a place where he already belonged. But now Akaashi wanted that away from him as well. Tetsurou understood, but still he thought… he hoped… 

_ No… It had been a stupid thing to wish for, in the end. _

Tetsurou sobbed. It was a painful choked sound that bounced off the walls of his small apartment. The broken porcelain on the floor didn’t matter all that much when the world was finally coming apart.  _ It’s over, it’s over, it’s over, stop crying, stop fucking crying. _

“Is there anything I can do to help, Kuroo-kun?” his landlord was behind the door, her honest concern clearly audible through her gentle words.

Tetsurou replied without getting up from the sofa. “I’m fine,” he told her. He wasn’t.

 

* * *

 

Akaashi’s place was still the same. The same doormat, the same potted plants at the entrance, the same sound of the doorbell, the same stray cat lazing on the porch. Tetsurou doubted he would ever forget the little details that were attached to each element, all of them deeply engraved in his memory. 

They had been standing atop that same doormat the first time they had kissed, many years ago. Countless times, Tetsurou had seen Akaashi water his plants early in the morning, his slender fingers fondly caressing the delicate leaves and petals. Countless other times, Tetsurou had heard him wish a good day to his small garden, right after doing the same with Tetsurou, before heading out for work. Tetsurou remembered the times he had come to ring Akaashi’s doorbell in the dead of night, waking him up to see his tired and grumpy face _ just because he missed it _ . And the cat… The cat had become something like their unofficial pet, a constant in their life and in their hearts.

Tetsurou scratched the small creature gently behind the ears while he waited, a sad smile stretching his lips. This might be the last time he got to play with the lovely cat. 

When the door opened, Tetsurou looked up from his crouched position. Akaashi stood there, as gorgeous as ever even while wearing a modest sleep robe. It was truly saddening how the universe hated Tetsurou so much, making Akaashi look like an angel under the halo of light from the overhead lamp--beautiful and untouchable. Tetsurou thought he might cry from the sight alone, but he kept himself from doing so--barely. 

He stood up. “Hey, uh. Sorry for coming this late, I just thought you might want to get rid of that asap. And, sorry I forgot--” He hadn’t. “--I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable.” He tried to hold Akaashi’s gaze as he spoke, but had to look down when he finished.

Akaashi waved a dismissive hand in the air. “It’s fine, just…”  _ take it away _ , is what Tetsurou knew he wanted to say but didn’t. After all this time, Akaashi was still gentle with him even though he didn't have to. 

(Tetsurou wished Akaashi had been harsher with him, so that he had no reason to hold feelings for him anymore. But Akaashi had never even raised his voice at him, only shut himself off. And Tetsurou’s love was still there, ever-present and unchanging.)

Tetsurou nodded, and moved to awkwardly make his way into the small apartment. Everything looked the same inside and the memories suddenly hit Tetsurou square in the face.

There in the corner were the same bookcases he had filled with books he thought Akaashi would enjoy (he had. They’d spent many lazy afternoons reading to each other, curled up on the loveseat); all around himself was the same smell, a minty scent from a bottle Tetsurou had once broken (which had made the cat spend a strange evening laid face up and staring at the ceiling); peeking from the entrance to the small combined kitchen and dining room was the same rug on which Tetsurou had once spilled champagne while trying to make a memorable anniversary celebration (after which Akaashi had made Tetsurou clean the rug himself). 

It all looked as if Tetsurou had only left the day before, as if the entire past year had never happened, as if tears hadn’t been shed and hearts hadn’t been shredded to bits.

Akaashi’s room was something Tetsurou knew he now mustn't breach without permission. He hesitated in front of the door until Akaashi pushed it open. Their arms brushed in the process and both did their best to ignore the warmth of the fleeting touch.

The box was there on Akaashi’s unmade bed--the  _ same _ unmade bed. The one in which they had spent so many lazy mornings and heated nights, the sound of their strained breaths, the taste and scent of each other everything they acknowledged in those moments. Tetsurou made three large steps to get to it and quickly picked up the box, turning around swiftly with his head down to avoid looking at anything else in the room. He moved past Akaashi and out the door with his eyes downcast and waited for him to come out and lead the way outside. 

As they walked the way back through the corridor, Tetsurou wished time would stop. That the world could stop spinning for just a few moments--or forever--just so that he could stay next to Akaashi for a little longer. Though he doubted Akaashi would like that.  _ But if it was just a little bit… Just a bit... _

Tetsurou turned around when he reached the door, hovering between the inside and the outside of the apartment, between what had once been his home and the vast emptiness that lay beyond. He looked down at Akaashi, who was carefully avoiding his gaze. He knew he shouldn’t, that he would be clearly overstepping his bounds, but if it really was the last time… Tetsurou’s throat tightened.

With the box kept secure at his side and his heart pounding inside his chest, Tetsurou leant down to kiss Akaashi’s cheek. His lips barely brushed the soft skin before Akaashi jerked his head the other way.

“Tet--Kuroo… Don’t--Don’t do that…” Akaashi whispered.

Tetsurou’s eyes burned. “Why not?” 

Akaashi didn't reply for a moment, and Tetsurou saw him fiddling with his fingers--something he did when he was feeling nervous, shy, or when he spaced out. It was the same gesture that had enchanted Tetsurou from the first day they had met back in high school. He had been attracted to those nimble fingers on the court, fingers which Akaashi was so intent on concealing out of it because he picked at the skin around his nails and often sported bloody marks. The gesture had turned into a harmless habit with time, once Tetsurou had begun kissing each finger better every day, every night, every time he found an opportunity or an excuse.

The silence stretched long enough for Tetsurou to start regretting evey thing he had done until that point. “I’m s--”

Akaashi shook his head, and Tetsurou stopped his mumbling. It wasn’t difficult when his throat felt like it was sealed with concrete, when he was faced with Akaashi’s complicated expression.

“I’m still...” Akaashi began. He closed his eyes tightly as his face fell, sorrow twisting his features. He drew in a deep breath, now looking anywhere but at Tetsurou. “I’m still not over you,” he said in a voice just louder than a breath.

Tetsurou’s heart skipped a beat. His vision narrowed down on Akaashi and Akaashi only. Nothing else existed in that moment aside from the man in front of him. He heard a thump which could have been from the box falling or from an explosion, but he couldn't be sure which one it was. He took a hesitant step forward--Akaashi didn’t take a step back, but the hunch of his shoulders was like a wall in itself.

“I still love you,” Akaashi continued in a wobbly voice, and when he looked up Tetsurou could see his beautiful pale cheeks streaked with tears. “And I miss you so much.”

Tetsurou moved in autopilot; he wrapped his arms around Akaashi’s shoulders and pressed his cheek against his temple, breathing unevenly into Akaashi’s black curls. Akaashi didn't move away from him, only closer, arms snaking around Tetsurou’s waist and nails digging into his sides.  _ If the situation was different… But still _ , Tetsurou thought.  _ I can have this at least. _

“Gods,” Tetsurou hissed. There was nothing he had ever wanted to hear more than that. Just a few words that brought the world--Tetsurou’s world--back to balance.  _ Akaashi, Akaashi, Akaashi.  _ All he needed, all he wanted. Was it finally coming back to him after a year-- _ over _ a year--of questioning himself at three in the morning over cold noodles and lukewarm beer?

“I can't--” Akaashi’s voice was tight with emotion; Tetsurou’s shirt was damp with his tears. “Kuroo--Away from you--Too much--Too painful.”

“I know… I--Me too, Akaashi,” Tetsurou murmured through the knot in his throat.  _ I never stopped loving you, and I miss you more than you can imagine _ . He wanted to say all that and much more, but he didn't know how. Akaashi’s hair felt damp against his cheek, and Tetsurou realized he was crying too. “I love you so much, Akaashi.  _ Akaashi. _ ”

They remained like that for a moment, wrapped up in each other and uncaring about the rest of the world, about the cold night air and the noise of the main street next to Akaashi’s apartment. 

(What mattered, anyway, when they could finally touch, breathe, and  _ feel _ each other after over a year, like they used to in the past.) 

Teturou was trying to take it all in, all at once, fully attuned to what was  _ there _ .

_ He’s in my arms _ , Tetsurou thought.  _ In my arms, against my chest, breathing into my neck. I can feel his heart drumming through his clothes, wild and scared and-- _

When Akaashi began moving and pulling away from Tetsurou’s embrace, it felt like too soon. Tetsurou wanted to stay like that forever, never again miss Akaashi’s warmth pressed against his body…

The kiss was a surprise. Tetsurou almost pulled back, afraid that he was invading too much of Akaashi’s space, more than he’d already been allowed to, but it had been  _ Akaashi  _ who had started it. 

Salt. That was what the kiss tasted like. Salt and longing and sadness and something else Tetsurou couldn't put his finger on. Akaashi’s lips felt as soft as ever against his, like silk on skin, the plush flesh perfectly slotted between Tetsurou’s lips. Tetsurou still remembered the first time he had noticed Akaashi’s beautiful lips, making a blushing mess of himself in the middle of a match. None of his teammates would ever let him live it down, but  _ he _ had been the winner when he had finally gotten to kiss those same perfect lips. 

Akaashi was winning him over now, though, the warmth of his tongue in Tetsurou’s mouth a reminder that  _ he _ was in power, the taste of his tears a a symbol of  _ his _ hurt.

Whether it lasted a second or a lifetime, Tetsurou couldn’t be sure. All he knew was that it was over too soon. He blindingly chased Akaashi’s lips when they parted from his.

“It’s cold outside,” Akaashi whispered in the space between them. He brushed his fingers against Tetsurou’s, then, “Come...”

Tetsurou blinked and swallowed. In that moment, he thought he was flatlining. Just as Akaashi’s expression started turning impatient as he waited for Tetsurou to comprehend the situation, the man stumbled forward. And as soon as the door was closed behind them, all their inhibitions were gone. 

Tetsurou almost sobbed when Akaashi crushed his lips against his. The past year had been like a long walk through the desert, and he had finally found an oasis. Akaashi kissed him like the world was about to end--but Tetsurou knew that wouldn’t happen today. Not while Akaashi’s insistent hands were pushing up Tetsurou’s shirt, not while Tetsurou’s lips were pressed against Akaashi’s pulse, not while they were breathing each other’s names like the oxygen they needed to live. 

Somewhere between the entryway and Akaashi’s room, Tetsurou lost his shirt. Akaashi’s body was a comfortable weight on his hands as Tetsurou held his thighs around his waist, Akaashi’s arms tightly wrapped around his neck. 

Tetsurou’s knees bumped against the edge of the bed, and he braced himself with a hand on the soft mattress when he fell forward. Akaashi bounced lightly over the bedding despite that, and pulled Tetsurou down with him into a searing kiss.

“Don’t you dare stop touching me,” Akaashi pleaded into Tetsurou’s ear, his voice tight and desperate. Tetsurou’s heart jumped inside his chest. He didn’t plan to.

Placing a kiss at the corner of Akaashi’s mouth, Tetsurou moved down to gently nibble at Akaashi’s neck. He bared his teeth and pulled a patch of skin between them, tugging on it gently just the way he knew Akaashi liked. He was rewarded by a soft, strained moan that made his pants tighten.

“I’ve missed the taste of your skin so much,” Tetsurou whispered, trailing kisses down Akaashi’s neck and collarbone, pulling the panels of his robe apart until he reached a perked nipple. Tetsurou wrapped his lips around it, revelling at the feeling of the soft--now hard--flesh against his tongue.

Akaashi arched his back, pushing his chest against Tetsurou’s face. He breath stuttered and he tensed when Tetsurou moved his hand down his chest and cupped him over his underwear. Akaashi’s hands shot up to grip Tetsurou’s hair and press his face further against himself, his hips rolling against the pressure.

“I need you, soon…  _ Now _ ,” Akaashi whimpered, head thrown back against the pillow.

“I know, I just…”  _ I want to know if you’re still the same, if I can make you come like I used to if I touch all the right places, if you'd end up screaming my name and waking up the neighbors if I could take my time with you.  _ “I wanted to take you slowly.”

Akaashi shook his head. “Hurry,” he whispered, and pulled Tetsurou into a kiss. “I’ve missed you too much. I can’t--I can’t take it anymore.”

“It’s okay… I’m right here with you,” Tetsurou breathed into Akaashi’s mouth. Although he wanted to make this last as much as he could, he couldn’t ignore the fact that he was as desperate as Akaashi was. “Do you have--”

Akaashi was already stretching an arm to open the bedside table drawer and extract a clear bottle from it. He pushed it into Tetsurou’s hands, fingers trembling in anticipation.

(And in fear that this was just a dream, that Tetsurou wasn't actually there and that he would wake up in tears as he so often did.)

Tetsurou popped the cap open to pour some of the clear liquid onto his palm, then remembered. “Condom?”

Instead of replying, Akaashi asked, “Have you slept with anyone else?” Tetsurou shook his head. Akaashi slipped his arms around Tetsurou’s neck and brought him down, pressing his lips to his ear. “Then I want you to come inside me.”

For a second, Tetsurou couldn’t react. Then, “Okay,” he said, breathless. “Okay, okay, okay.” A kiss to Akaashi’s lips along with each affirmative. 

He made his way back down Akaashi’s chest, just like he’d done moments before, leaving wet kisses everywhere he could. He pulled the rest of Akaashi’s clothes down and off as he went, and when he reached the coarse hair under Akaashi's navel, he buried his nose into it and drew in a deep breath. It was the same scent he remembered.

“Have  _ you _ slept with anyone else?” Tetsurou asked, his breath ghosting over sensitive skin. 

“I haven’t-- _ oh. _ ”

Akaashi's thighs shook when Tetsurou took him into his mouth. With the hand that wasn't busy circling Akaashi's rim, Tetsurou kneaded the supple flesh of Akaashi’s thigh. Oh, how had he missed this--the taste, feel, and weight of Akaashi on his tongue. His lips popped when he pulled his mouth off and moved to suck at the pale, smooth skin, his fingers finally breaching through the tight entrance and stretching the rim. Then he kissed the thick vein, right at the juncture of the head and the shaft, and Akaashi whined high in his throat. 

“Taste so good…” Tetsurou murmured mostly to himself before taking Akaashi back into his mouth. 

Akaashi’s breath cut short and he arched his back once more. Writhing and jerking while trapped between Tetsurou’s hot mouth and the soft sheets, he mumbled incoherencies and Tetsurou’s name. It made Tetsurou feel warm all over.

“If you keep going, I'm going t-- _ oh gods _ .” Akaashi’s thighs threatened to close around Tetsurou’s head, and a firm hand pulled Tetsurou’s head back by the hair. Tetsurou looked up to see Akaashi attempting to recover his breath. “I want to come with you inside me,” Akaashi whispered, cheeks flushed bright red.

Tetsurou nodded. “Yeah. Okay,” he said, and slid off the rest of his clothes.

The clear bottle landed somewhere off the bed once he’d finished using it. Tetsurou slotted himself between Akaashi's thighs and leant over him. He entered him slowly, fighting to keep his vision clear so he could grasp every shift in Akaashi's expression, the gorgeous face he made as Tetsurou spread him open.

“So beautiful. You're so beautiful,” Tetsurou whispered as he had so often done a long time ago. Akaashi just pressed his lips against his and breathed, “ _ You can move now _ .” And so Tetsurou did.

He rocked their bodies to a slow rhythm, their hushed voices a soft melody into the dead of night. With his arms gripping under Akaashi's shoulders, Tetsurou kissed and marked his love on Akaashi’s neck. Akaashi’s nails were hard and painful as they dug into his back, but it was alright--it made it all feel even more real. 

“I love you,” Tetsurou said, tasting salt on Akaashi’s skin. It was either from the thin sheen of sweat covering Akaashi's body or from Tetsurou’s tears, and either was fine.

Akaashi's breaths soon turned harsh and desperate, and Tetsurou knew then that he was getting close. “ _ Tetsu, Tetsu _ ,” Akaashi called through choked breaths, his arms tightening around Tetsurou’s neck, his chest arching up to press against Tetsurou’s. Then Tetsurou wrapped his fingers around Akaashi and began pumping, and a garbled mess of Tetsurou’s name and colorful obscenities spilled from Akaashi's lips.

“ _ Keiji _ ,” Tetsurou moaned, feeling Akaashi suddenly tighten around him. 

They came together, lips sealed and bodies melded, wet warmth flooding the infinitesimal space between them as they ground their hips together one last time. 

Tetsurou let himself fall at Akaashi’s side, panting and exhausted. With the blood rushing back up through his ears he couldn’t hear clearly, but he still managed to pick up the sound of a muffled sob. When he turned his face to the side, he saw Akaashi pressing his forearm over his eyes, wet streaks on his cheeks glistening under the soft moonlight. Tetsurou’s throat tightened, and he moved to gingerly lay his lips on Akaashi’s shoulder. Maybe this had been a mistake, after all.

“I felt like I was drowning,” Akaashi began softly, and Tetsurou froze. “I felt like I was choking on how much you loved me.”

“I’m sorry,” Tetsurou murmured when Akaashi didn't continue.

“It wasn't your fault,” he said after a moment. “I was just--overwhelmed. I thought being away from you would make things better, but it all just…” _got_ _worse_. A pause. “In the end I did manage to realize something, though.”

Tetsurou continued to kiss Akaashi's shoulder as the man chose his next words. 

“I'm terrified by how I can never seem to express how I feel in words. Or even... in actions. That sort of freedom you have--that comfort to just  _ do _ and  _ say _ anything and everything without hesitation--it's something that doesn't come naturally to me. And it probably never will." Akaashi pulled his arm away from his eyes and his gaze drifted to the ceiling, averting. His voice was soft, breathless even, his rapid pulse fluttering under the thin skin of his throat. "How much you loved me... I thought I didn't deserve it. Not when I could never give enough of it back."

“You didn't need to do… anything. You  _ never _ need to,” Tetsurou said, muffled into Akaashi’s skin.

“Now I know that,” Akaashi replied, looking at Tetsurou with watery eyes and a small smile. Tetsurou’s chest swelled at the sight of him like that.

“Come here,” Tetsurou whispered, wrapping his free arm around Akaashi's shoulder and pulling him into his chest. Akaashi exhaled slowly against his neck, and Tetsurou closed his eyes to best feel their closeness. 

For a moment he just hugged Akaashi and basked in the feeling of Akaashi hugging him back. It was calm and soft and  _ good. _ He was glad to know what had been troubling Akaashi’s mind during all this time, but angry at himself for not figuring it out. That was in the past though. Now, he could tell Akaashi...

“You aren’t expected to give anything back to me. I  _ know _ you have other ways of showing your affection, even if you don't realise that yourself. Akaashi, you've never made me feel unloved,” Tetsurou murmured. Now that Akaashi was perfectly fitted against him, Tetsurou breathed deeply into his hair, smelling the scent of his lavender shampoo--a year later, it still smelled like home. “And even on the days where all you want to do is bond over cat pictures, that's still a great way to show me your love," he said, lips quirking a little.

Akaashi chuckled into his neck, making Tetsurou shiver lightly. “I--I love you with all my heart,” Akaashi whispered in a small voice. He gripped Tetsurou tightly behind the shoulders to pull him closer, and Tetsurou hissed. “Oh, sorry… Your back…”

“It’s alright,” Tetsurou said. “You can kiss it better tomorrow, if you want to.” He rubbed slow circles over Akaashi’s back as he spoke.

“I will,” Akaashi said. “Always.”

Tetsurou’s heart swelled impossibly at that. There was the unspoken implication of much more than a “tomorrow” in Akaashi’s simple words. He hid his smile into dark mussed hair and barely contained a sob. 

Akaashi felt the slight jerk of his body and pulled away with a worried look on his face. “What’s wrong?” he asked.

“Nothing…” It was the truth. Everything was right in that moment. “I’m just… really happy.” Tetsurou leant down and softly pressed his smile to Akaashi’s lips.

Tetsurou knew Akaashi would soon want to make a trip to the bathroom and clean himself, but if he could wish for anything until the end of his days it would be to stay with Akaashi just like that--forever. With their legs tangled and the messy sheets crumpled underneath them, with their warm bodies pressed together tightly and the moonlight bathing their naked skin, with Akaashi’s breath on his neck and his scent in Tetsurou’s nose.

And maybe it was greedy of him. Maybe it was too much to ask…. But really,

it was all he wanted. 

**Author's Note:**

> [please listen to this song im fucking crying](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mtf7hC17IBM)
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> also jsyk this is an example of comms i can do. message me on tumblr @ kuroosthighz for more info!


End file.
